Kelly: I don't talk trash, I talk smack. They're totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You're ugly and I know it for a fact 'cause I got the evidence right there.
Dwight Schrute: Jim told me you can buy gaydar online.
Michael Scott: That's ridiculous.
Dwight Schrute: Probably. He didn't tell the truth a lot.
Michael Scott: Let's call him and get the website.
Dwight Schrute: Definitely.
Jim Halpert: I can’t say whether Dunder Mifflin paper is less flammable, sir, but, I can assure you that it’s certainly not more flammable.
Dwight Schrute: Reject a woman, and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.
Ryan:Did this happen on company property?
Michael Scott:It was on company property, with company property. So, double jeopardy, we're fine.
Ryan: I don't think-- I don't think you understand how jeopardy works.
Michael Scott: Oh, I'm sorry. What is, 'we're fine'?
Jim Halpert: One day Michael came in, complaining about a speed bump, on the highway... I wonder who he ran over then.
Michael Scott: Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked. But it's not like this, compulsive, need, to be liked. Like my need to be praised.
Pam Beesly: You know what they say about a car wreck, where it's so awful you can't look away? The Dundees are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.
Michael Scott: I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon- sue me- and since I don't have a butler, I have to do it myself. So most nights before I go to bed I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious. It''s good for me. It's the perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot. That''s it. I don't see what's so hard to believe about that
Michael Scott: What do I put for 'Reason for visit'?
Jim Halpert: Concussion.
[Michael crosses something off]
Jim Halpert: What did you write?
Michael Scott: Nothing... I wrote, 'Bringing someone to the hospital.'
Jim Halpert: So, you thought it meant your reason for visit.
Michael Scott: No, Jim- this isn't about me anymore.
Jim Halpert: Today is Thursday, and Dwight thinks it's Friday, and that's what I'll be working on this afternoon.
Michael Scott: Dwight gave a great speech. That's the word on the street, anyway. And I entertained Dwight to no end with my bar story, so I captivated the guy who captivated a thousand guys. Can you believe that? A thousand guys.
I loved every minute of it. I loved Michael commenting on the wine "A nice oakey afterbirth". Really there were too many great moments to name. I died laughing when he demonstrated how his plasma TV could be retracted against the wall if there were lots of guests...
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