Writing my Emotions Here

 My girls are growing up. The constant reminder of this has plagued me since the day I came home from the hospital with B. Some days I take it in stride well aware of the little precious time I have with them, and other days, like today, it causes such anxiety it's debilitating. I'm not an anxious person. My husband worries and has enough anxiety for the both of us. But if there is one thing that gives me anxiety it's time and this question, "Have I done enough?"

Have I spent enough time with them?
Have I read to them enough?
Have I loved them enough?
Have I taught them enough?
Have I talked to them enough?
etc.





I had to sign B up for which track I want her on in the first grade.
First grade, just those two words puts me in a tail spin of tizzy. How is this possible? She was just in preschool, how is she already going to school all day? I'm not ready.

She is so much fun to be around. She is such a good sister. She is a loving daughter. She loves adventures and I love taking her on those adventures. School will cramp that up. 

What especially hits me though, is I realize those few precious years when I had complete influence over her are gone.

Frankly, I will miss her. I will miss having her around everyday. I want to be mad at time, call time an enemy. But time isn't the enemy, it's the distractions that are the enemy. The things I let distract me that rob me of quality time with my family. I will be better, so when I look back I won't feel anxious but grateful.

Minor Surgery

 This little girl experienced her first surgery. (And we experienced meeting our deductible for the first time without having a baby. )

 Here she is pre-op. Someone's Eaglescout project was making these entertainment packages for kids at the hospital. Seriously, the coolest project ever! She even got to keep that blanket. A nice souvenir that all the doctors and nurses couldn't believe was a hospital blanket.

 Getting her ready to wheel away.

 And there she goes. I was fine and not the least bit nervous until this point. When they wheeled her away from me.

 Post surgery still in the post surgery room not in the recovery room yet. This was hard. I already had sympathy for all parents who have to witness their children go through major surgery (and in many cases major surgery after major surgery) but now I have empathy. They came and got me because she just woke up and said "I want a snack and my mama".  When I got there she just woke up and the pain medicine was not administered yet so she was in pain. Intense pain she never experienced before and it broke my heart. She was in pain so she was yelling she couldn't control her voice (wonder where she gets that from) She yelled, "I want to go home! I never want surgery again!" I would tell her "shhh shhh" and she would yell "I can't mom, I just can't shhhh" .  The pain medicine finally worked but then she needed oxygen. The nurse was asking questions and she said, "I am just so sleepy don't talk to me."
Yeah, apparently anesthesia turns my sweet 5 year old into a teenager.

In the recovery room sleeping. 

And she is back to normal. We have to remind her she just had surgery and has 3 incisions she has to take it easy. She still can't stand up straight, and so she walks a little hunched over and it makes me laugh a little.

So glad it's over and so glad we are on the mend. And so so grateful for clean hospitals with great doctors and nurses.