Writing my Emotions Here

 My girls are growing up. The constant reminder of this has plagued me since the day I came home from the hospital with B. Some days I take it in stride well aware of the little precious time I have with them, and other days, like today, it causes such anxiety it's debilitating. I'm not an anxious person. My husband worries and has enough anxiety for the both of us. But if there is one thing that gives me anxiety it's time and this question, "Have I done enough?"

Have I spent enough time with them?
Have I read to them enough?
Have I loved them enough?
Have I taught them enough?
Have I talked to them enough?
etc.





I had to sign B up for which track I want her on in the first grade.
First grade, just those two words puts me in a tail spin of tizzy. How is this possible? She was just in preschool, how is she already going to school all day? I'm not ready.

She is so much fun to be around. She is such a good sister. She is a loving daughter. She loves adventures and I love taking her on those adventures. School will cramp that up. 

What especially hits me though, is I realize those few precious years when I had complete influence over her are gone.

Frankly, I will miss her. I will miss having her around everyday. I want to be mad at time, call time an enemy. But time isn't the enemy, it's the distractions that are the enemy. The things I let distract me that rob me of quality time with my family. I will be better, so when I look back I won't feel anxious but grateful.

Minor Surgery

 This little girl experienced her first surgery. (And we experienced meeting our deductible for the first time without having a baby. )

 Here she is pre-op. Someone's Eaglescout project was making these entertainment packages for kids at the hospital. Seriously, the coolest project ever! She even got to keep that blanket. A nice souvenir that all the doctors and nurses couldn't believe was a hospital blanket.

 Getting her ready to wheel away.

 And there she goes. I was fine and not the least bit nervous until this point. When they wheeled her away from me.

 Post surgery still in the post surgery room not in the recovery room yet. This was hard. I already had sympathy for all parents who have to witness their children go through major surgery (and in many cases major surgery after major surgery) but now I have empathy. They came and got me because she just woke up and said "I want a snack and my mama".  When I got there she just woke up and the pain medicine was not administered yet so she was in pain. Intense pain she never experienced before and it broke my heart. She was in pain so she was yelling she couldn't control her voice (wonder where she gets that from) She yelled, "I want to go home! I never want surgery again!" I would tell her "shhh shhh" and she would yell "I can't mom, I just can't shhhh" .  The pain medicine finally worked but then she needed oxygen. The nurse was asking questions and she said, "I am just so sleepy don't talk to me."
Yeah, apparently anesthesia turns my sweet 5 year old into a teenager.

In the recovery room sleeping. 

And she is back to normal. We have to remind her she just had surgery and has 3 incisions she has to take it easy. She still can't stand up straight, and so she walks a little hunched over and it makes me laugh a little.

So glad it's over and so glad we are on the mend. And so so grateful for clean hospitals with great doctors and nurses.

Valentine's Day

Having kids makes ALL holidays that much more fun. I enjoy even the smallest of holidays (Groundhog day).
















We decorated cookies.

 What the small plate of Valentine cookies doesn't show you is the mess that ensues from them. So here is a bit of reality. You can't see it but the sink is full.

 Then I had the morning of Valentine's Day planned with a pretty festive breakfast of pink heart shaped pancakes - with white chocolate and macadamia nuts - because why not?  (I don't have the heart pancake shaper so I had to put the batter in a squeeze bottle not as successful as I thought it would be but the girls got a kick out of it) Next year, I will probably invest in a heart shape pancake thingy and not use pink coloring.

 Then while Brad was out helping his sister release a raccoon she caught in her attic (that story is for another blog post) He was doubled over in pain, so she took him to the ER. Here he is experiencing kidney stones for the first time. He got pain killers and a shot in the bum and told to stay active and drinks loads of water.

 Due to the ER visit I missed B's class Valentine Party, but it was a beautiful day and they did their own party on the deck, and this melted my heart.


















Brad had planned a date night for the whole family, I originally thought we would have to take a rain check but he took a nap, popped a pill and put on a brave face and took out all his girls. We saw the lego batman movie. Soooo romantic, ha!ha! No, it was great and fun. And EVERYONE should experience watching a movie with this Califlower.  She gets very very involved in the movie and takes her popcorn very seriously. She sits bouncing and grabs hand fulls of popcorn (without looking) and shoving it all in her mouth with shrieks of joy in between bites.

Happy 14th Birthday Sydney

 This ol' girl turned 14, and since we have been having some cancer issues we thought we should give her a celebration, well the 5 year old insisted on it.  So a paw-ty she planned.

 Kisses for the little human.

B planned all the activities and decorations. Party blowers, balloons, party hats (with a pom pom on the top we couldn't find any that wasn't ridiculously priced so we improvised and bought some normal party hats and added cotton balls), pin the tail on the bordercollie, and then she drew and cut out balloons and taped them all over the house and whoever found the most got a prize. 













And then we sang to her, thanks to Aubrey for the boost. And her and all her doggie cousins ate their dog cake, and we humans at cupcakes.

"Dogs have a way of finding the people who need them and filling an emptiness we didn't ever know we had." - Thom Jones

Winter

Tulips usually help me through the dreaded winter blues.

And that they get to wear these coats to church.

And the snow has not been lacking.

I am probably the only mom here that hasn't built a snowman with their kids. Not that they aren't asking they are.  I just really don't like the snow. It's cold and wet and gets in every nook and cranny.  Sand castles, that is up my alley... snowmen not so much.
But the forecast says more days of snow so I keep telling myself I will have plenty of opportunities.






But those snow covered mountains (insert emoji with the heart shaped eyes).

 So we've been doing plenty of indoor activities. I have implemented a new system. I was tired of Saturdays feeling like they were wasted. Planning on getting soooooo much done, to only just sit around all day long and realize by Sunday night it was a wasted weekend. One that was not fun filled or productive. I blame it on winter blues. So we do chores in the morning. We have a list and everyone has a job. If we finish the job by lunch then we can go somewhere fun. This particular Saturday was the dinosaur museum. 

I thought it would be busy since it was a Saturday but I was pleasantly surprised.

Cancer Sucks

 This is how she rolled for 14 days. She had more mast cell tumors, so we got them removed. She is just shy of her 14th birthday, so our days of putting her under to remove the tumors are limited.

She doesn't act her age so I think she still has many more years, so when I hear things like "cancer" and "the tumors can show up over night", "you need to consider her old age will take her before the cancer", it kind of sucker punches me in the gut.

Our days our limited with her, I know that. However, it could be next month or who knows another 3 years. Seriously, though the amount of stuff she has ingested we're lucky she made it to 14!

All I know, is I will enjoy her presence while I have it. When she follows me from room to room. Barks at the UPS man. Wakes me up with her dog breath in my face. I will cherish it all. Because she was my first dog, at let's me honest I am gonna be a mess when she goes.

Hello There 2017

It's the early hours of a New Year, so I thought I would dust off the ol' blog.

I've taken a bit of a break from social media since before Christmas; something I really wish I would have done sooner. I love social media, particularly for family, but it's the other stuff that comes with it I needed a break from, so I thought for this year less social media more blogging (ironic since I remember a time I needed to take a break from blogs).

2016 has not been a personally low year for us, in fact it's been very good to us. I however, have never had so much gut wrenching reactions while reading the news like I have this year. I get a pang of distress every time I open a news website (funny no more newspaper) and sometimes read it with one eye open in hopes that will soften the blow to what I will read next. I know throughout human history there is darkness and there always will be. It's just a bit darker than I imagined it would be in my lifetime, and so I turn to my blog. My little space in the world.  My space where I can share goodness, light and laughter. I can come here and write the good things I have done, seen and experienced. (For some reason it feels a little less braggy than posting it on instagram?)

According to instagram this is my top 9. These are the 9 pictures that received the highest amount of likes. And although, yes, I do love these pictures. I decided to make my own 9, except I couldn't just narrow it down to 9... I made my top 16 pictures.













1. One of my favorite pictures from Kaua'i. This is on Pihea trail. Pihea Trail over looking the Kalalau Valley.
2. I am just going to own my narcissism, this is probably just one of very few pictures I actually like of myself. Is it weird I want to frame it? Not to put in my house for all to see but for me? In my little inspirational shelf in my closet?
3. Our last minute trip to Disneyland. We loaded the kids in the car at midnight and drove all night, to make it to Mickey's-Not-So-Scary-Halloween Party. Best Party Ever,
4. PINK! (Favorite thing I ever did to my hair... and I've done a lot of things to my hair)
5. Because he makes me laugh and I love National Parks. 
6. Highlight of the year, I got to spend Mother's Day with my Nanny and Mother. Afternoon Tea at the Grand America.
7. Our little Califlower learned how to lock the doors but not how to unlock them earlier this year. (She now knows how to unlock)
8. Little Miss Broccoli insisted we throw Sydney at 13th birthday party, it was small. This year she has been planning another one and it will be bigger.
9. Exactly one year ago today we started our year in Del Mar with our entire little family. It was one of the best mornings I have ever had.
10. This is probably my favorite picture of us.
11. What Santa brought Syd for Christmas
12. One of the many camping trips we went on this year, and she is in her element.
13. Because I love how they love each other. They both just brighten my day.
14. I find random lengths of toilet paper all over the house because Califlower likes to pretend she is an animal, and of course, she needs a tail. She loves being a wolf, and here she is in a wolf costume. Cutest little wolf. She wore that trail until it there was nothing left.
15. Probably my favorite picture of the year. I love her adventurous spirit. 
16. Friendship. Me with my childhood friend who came for a visit. If there is one thing I can say I am truly blessed with, it's friends. They bring a lot of fulfillment and laughter in my life.

And a little year review...

Our year in numbers

418 loads of laundry
200 pounds of Alaskan caught fish
26 miles totaled hiked as a family
2 ER visits
7 stitiches
0 broken bones

2nd Annual Dance Recital (and graduation)

Our summer adventures began in the good month of May. When my grandmother made a special visit out here to see Miss B's dance recital. But first we celebrated Mother's day with my mom and grandmother with afternoon tea at the ritzy hotel downtown.

 My grandmother had sent the tiaras out for the girls a few months ago and B couldn't wait to wear it to afternoon tea with her Nanny.

The recital. With her wonderful and patient teacher. This dance studio do recitals a little different. It's actually a production. Each class has a part and the older girls are the soloists. This year it was Tinker Bell's Version of Peter Pan. B's class was the fairy dust and they danced to "Sail me to the Moon". 

Grandparent photos. 

Her special visitor, Nanny.

Since it was the month between birthdays we celebrated the girls birthdays with everyone here.

And someone graduated from preschool. I had no idea the program was as involved as it was or grandparents would have received an invitation.. oops. She sang a solo (and had I known it was a solo I would have practiced a little more diligently - but she did great) She had lines to recite and then she read a book.

Her preschool teacher was fabulous. B thrived so well under her direction. Thankfully, we kept her influence in our life and she is now her music teacher.